Musings of the cat with ADHD and Asperger’s

Without my ADHD meds, I wouldn’t work. I feel light as a feather, and my main needs are hunger and sleep. When facing work, I feel sluggish. My mind is a fog, so thick you can’t see your hands and the thoughts are endless chatter in your head. Come here! Go there! Look at this! No- wait this! NO-THIS! What’s that?! What’s this? Move! I go where my mind tells me to, it never stops chattering. With the meds, its dulls the thoughts, and I can focus on a normal plane. You see, that’s the thing. Most people think we hyperfocus on meds, no, we focus at a normal plane that normal people take for granted. It looks like hyperfocus, because normal people can focus for that long on tasks without effort and because we don’t normally focus in the first place.

With Aspie, everything is a blur. Everything is loud and important and urgent. One moment you’re talking about the things that someone else said and you hear your colleague complaining and clicking and typing loudly and someone’s pencil clicking the phone ringing, the slamming the emails alerting messages vibrating and somehow somewhere in your tone is interpreted as irritating or forthcoming or direct or aggressive and you’re suddenly getting attacked back by literal aggressiveness while trying to deal with the anxiety you feel making you want to vomit but you can’t because you’re in a professional setting or it triggers someone else’s panic attack and you need to be strong or you’re guilty of not being strong for everyone else. And the side effect of Concerta, you tense up you know its bad for anxiety but it shuts one disorder up and its good for focus but you cannot sleep the meds wore off because. your. head. never. shuts. up.

Combine the two and you’ll get my dilemma. Now pour in the drama of daily relationships. Let’s not forget the depressive episodes that result from all the anxiety. So hard to fight those thoughts. but be strong be strong for everyone that’s what’s expected of you its what you need to do because if you’re not strong, everyone panics at you. would people please stop crossing my boundaries?

And you’re just expected to get up, go to work, and do life per normal, have G be like omg you don’t understand me my life is shittier than yours. no. shut up. you’re the one who doesn’t understand a thing about me.

Twisted

Normality does not exist. If there is one thing that my studies in psychology have confirmed for me, it would be that, normality is what majority of the population thinks is correct. As it is, “correctness” does not exist by this world. I suppose, a sociopath or a psychopath would take this idea to the extreme, and do crazy things, or what society does not understand as normal. Because it would be easy for them, with charm and glibness and ability to manipulate, to convince or fool society into thinking what they did was justified – because they can and it would be like watching a movie, with the reactions that they get from this whole sideshow.

In fact, just watching a K-drama (while exaggerated, but not really) would show how truly twisted and selfish our human nature can be. For example, society is competitive. To the elite of that competitive society, to maintain and upkeep their lifestyle and perks, they would assume that their children would want to enjoy the same, and do all things crazy, to push them into med school. Society becomes scapegoat to blame for all these.

Society does not control how a parent parents their children. The parent’s desires, affects how a parent parents. The parents’ ability to put aside their desires, to see it from the child’s point of view, may help in bringing up a healthier child. May, I emphasize may, because I acknowledge that this is my opinion. Society sets a standard, and we can try our best to meet it, but is happiness/dreams/hopes of your child, as the child perceives it,  for the exchange of anything else worth it?

Fear

Fear, you don’t own me
There ain’t no room in this story
And I ain’t got time for you
Telling me what I’m not
Like you know me well guess what?
I know who I am
I know I’m strong
And I am free
Got my own identity
So fear, you will never be welcome here

I’ve had enough of being afraid of new responsiblity and afraid of people, afraid of my parents. So, I’m just posting to say “Oh fuck it.” I will just do what I can do.

I’ve had enough with bullying too. The next time someone tries imma just tell them to politely fuck off.

To anyone else who assumes that being an Aspie is easy: fuck off.

You wouldn’t know what it feels like. Constantly misinterpreting people, constantly but not meaning to step on people’s toes, constantly feeling so frustrated you want to peel off your own face. Constantly overreacting because you’re so overwhelmed by the strong feelings you just want it to get out. Constantly being made to feel like some broken neurotypical person.

And for all that’s good, stop trying to tell me what to do! You haven’t had the condition, so don’t assume you know anything about it! Stop saying you gotta control your reactions, fuck it tell me HOW. Its like telling me to will myself to forcibly grow taller. Stop saying you always do XXXX. If, I, as someone with aspergers, have to tell you that “YOU ALWAYS” is terrible communication, then it speaks for itself.

 

 

 

Self Kindness

I told myself: (yes i stood in front of a mirror buck naked and did this)

  • I love you
  • You’re God’s child and He loves you just the way you are
  • You’re beautiful
  • You don’t need someone to make you normal
  • You don’t need a social translator
  • You have nice legs
  • You’re quirky and funny but that’s okay
  • You don’t need to have life figured out just yet
  • You’re brave

…. And proceeded to bawl my eyes out. Never been this kind or weird to myself before.

Being The Boss’s Daughter

Being the boss’s daughter is HARD. Sure, you get pros because your parent is the boss, you have free, careful extra training on how to run the business your parent founded. You have a good rapport with the boss, and your feedback actually means something for the staff, it impacts the company’s staff welfare policy in so many ways.

But omg. The discrimination, the stereotypes!  You’re always being seen as riding on your parent’s coattails. The staff are friendly to you, and you don’t know if it’s genuine. When you say something, they laugh awkwardly. When you accomplish something, no one notices. And when they do actually see, its to be expected because she’s the boss’s daughter. If I listen to music (yes the company allows us to), she’s lazy because she can, because she’s the boss’s daughter. If the staff complains to me, they become friendly. I am not included, no matter how hard I try. I guess this is life.

They don’t know the feeling of what its like to always be at work. I live with my boss. No, I can’t just avoid her. My parents are strict as heck. Yes, I am very grateful for the job. Stop treating me like I’m ungrateful. Living with my boss means that new tasks come out of nowhere during dinner time, during exercise, during any freaking time of the night, including waking me up to tell me what to do the next day. There is no social life simply because there is no time for socialising! I hardly go out shopping, when I actually go out its to study for the postgraduate cert that I’m taking in addition to working full time. Excuse me if I want to relax a bit by listening to music during the day. All you people can complain about is omg she’s listening to youtube again. omg, she’s slacking because she can. You don’t know me. You have no idea what I go through. All I do is feedback your complaints to me to my parent. And it makes a difference. So fuck off haters.

New female actress

Hm. I’ve never been one for wanting to look like someone. But I do think Lee Elijah is gorgeous, and hopefully, I can achieve that look. I like her style and confidence too.

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I mean just look at that smile and that hair and that dress. I still want to be me. Only wonder how she gets that hair.

An Angry Letter

Please keep in mind that I am about to pen an angry letter to a newcomer in church.

Honestly, why is it any of your business what my boyfriend and I do in church? We don’t publicly display our affections outrightly  – like kissing (no pecks on the cheek) or even holding hands. He had a raging headache, I did what every good gf would do, treat it with a short massage on his temples and that made him feel better. Excuse me, if that felt uncomfortable to you. We do occasionally poke each other in good fun, and his friends join in.

Literally, no one is even offended by our relationship, did you have to point it out to our leader? You’re jealous or something? How is that offensive? Why don’t you just tell us outright instead of going behind our backs? Heck, we don’t even know you.

RadCon Reflections

While I attended RADCON in Impact Life Church, I had two visions:

One was a baby boy in blue cloth floating in midair, held out to me. I asked God, “Do you want me to take this baby? I will take it if You want me to” There was no answer, so I impulsively reached out for it but found that I couldn’t reach it. It was just floating in mid-air. John said it might be a call to childlike faith – something which I had been struggling with over the past few weeks what with Him prompting me to bring Banana (not her real name) to church and small group. Because Banana has hurt me badly before, and we made up, but I was still scared. It was all so fast. I was getting used to keeping a distance and having a friendship and trying to love her again, but He wanted me to bring her into my small group where I would have close contact with her. Because she reaches out for the logic of the world all the damn time, and she always reacts defensively, I find it hard and exhausting and stressful to talk to her. … the defensive part sounds like my parents and me. I guess I’ll have to rely on His strength and patience for me.

Another one was for my life. I saw the whole earth in front of me, and these words echoed in my mind “You will be known as God’s child all over.” Now, I still don’t know what that vision means. For my career, I had two images – to expand the company internationally and to take over the company – which is hard because lol my qualifications are ridiculously low. For a family, I had one (which John and I shared – yay same vision) where we were in a white house we had two kids. For ministry – I only saw grass fields and children. (not mine) but children who laughed with joy because they came to know God through the both of us for the first time. – so that’s missions.

Avenue Q

For the sake of my friends~ The “IM NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR TODAY” song is stuck in my head. I would belt it out if not for the fact that my family is sleeping

I’m not wearing underwear today.
No, I’m not wearing underwear today.
Not that you probably care
Much about my underwear,
Still, nonetheless, I gotta say —
That I’m not wearing underwear to-daaaay!

Quiz?

Haha. I found these on my friend’s blog. Thought it’d be interesting to answer them..

  1. What’s the best thing that happened to you this month? Spending an entire day (YAY FOR GOOD FRIDAY) with J. Our schedules have sucked lately, so its really hard to get some good quality time with each other without feeling really tired.
  2. What is something you’re tired of? Drama. Thank goodness that stuff died down.
  3. What is something that recently moved you? God’s patience.
  4. If you could teach one subject in school what would it be? English Literature
  5. What’s your favourite beverage? Crap. I have so many. Sweet Tomato juice
  6. What is your favourite birthday cake? Matcha crepe cake
  7. What is one thing you still have from your childhood? A teddy bear my dad bought for me when he went for a medical conference overseas. Her name was Janet. I remember treasuring her so much, I cried when he threatened to throw her down the dumpster, in a fit of anger. Thank goodness my helper at that time, saved it for me.
  8. What is your favourite movie? Uh. Harry Potter series.
  9. What is something you can’t do? Organize my time properly.
  10. What is one habit you wish you could break? Disorganisation of self. If I could just do that, everything would be so much easier.
  11. What makes you laugh no matter what? All the lame puns
  12. What does creativity mean to you? An emotional expression
  13. What are your favourite lyrics of all time? 

 

Manage me, I’m a mess

Turn a page, I’m a book

Half unread

I wanna be laughed at

Laughed with, just because I wanna feel weightless

And that should be enough

But I’m stuck in this fucking rut

Waiting on a second hand pick me up

And I’m over, getting older

If I could just find the time

Then I would never let another day go by

I’m over, getting old

Maybe it’s not my weekend

But it’s gonna be my year

And I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere

And this is my reaction

To everything I fear

Cause I’ve been going crazy

I don’t want to waste another minute here  — by All Time Low “Weightless”

Its a great help when I’m stressed out. And I wanna just be done with things already.

  1. What is something you’ve always wanted to try but you’ve been too scared to do? Bungee Jumping
  2. Best advice for your 19 year old self? Break up with that asshole already. And don’t let him use you. He’s one fat liar.
  3. If you could raid one woman’s closet who would it be? Emma Watson. I love her style. It’s so classy.
  4. Must have purse item? Debit card.
  5. What did you want to do with your life at age 12? Me? Run from home. Screw PSLE.
  6. What is something you will not be doing in ten years? Be my current self
  7. What is an important life lesson for someone to learn? God at the center of everything includes surrendering whatever perceived control you have over your life to His arms. Everything you touch on your own crumbles in some way or another, but everything you touch with God stays, evolves. Also, God has infinite strength and infinite love and infinite resources, why the hell rely on your own.
  8. What is one goal you are determined to achieve in your lifetime?  Learning to trust and love people.. for His approval and not the world’s. because people’s opinions mean shit and end up draining you.
  9. Would you ever live anywhere besides Singapore? Yes – if I could bring my family along. Maybe UK. Or Japan. Or even Aussie – Melb.
  10. What is your favourite dessert? Mitarashi Dango
  11. Is there a dessert you don’t like? Turkish Delight. Tastes like soap.
  12. It’s brunch! What do you eat? Depends on whether its a weekday or weekend. Weekday – good old chicken soup and a Wheat! bowl. Weekend – whatever I’m craving for and can cook in an hour or less.
  13. Who is your favourite painter? Don’t have one.
  14. Favourite Disney animal? Hei hei from Moana. That chicken is just too stupid to function, its hilarious and adorable.
  15. What is a book you are planning on reading? The bible… again.
  16. What did you read most recently? mmmmm A Love Worth Waiting For by Max Lucardo
  17. Favourite solo artist? HM. Christina Grimmie. RIP.
  18. What’s your favourite board game? Secret Hitler (yes im a sneaky one).
  19. What’s a city you wish to visit? Luxembourg.
  20. Heels or flats? Flats.
  21.  Where does one go on a perfect road trip? Aussie.
  22. What do you do on a rainy day? Paint. Sleep. Listen to chill music. Hang out with him.
  23. What’s your favourite exercise? Swimming! No sweat, great exercise.
  24. What was your worst subject in school? Bio. Oh dear goodness, I was so squeamish and there was so much to memorise.
  25. What is your spirit animal? A cat. Therefore, thegreyguidekitty.
  26. What do you usually eat for breakfast? Usually skip brekkie. If I could, i’d eat lumpy oatmeal.
  27. What do you usually eat for dinner? It varies everyday.
  28. Cooking or Baking? Baking.
  29. Favourite baked good? Scones with a side of clotted cream.
  30. What is something you wish you could be good at? Accounts.
  31. Skiing or Surfing? Skiing. The sea gives me terrors.
  32. First celebrity crush? Daniel Radcliffe
  33. Most recent celebrity crush? Nissy
  34. What colour was your prom dress? Did I go to prom? I vaguely remember some Spring Dance. Nah. Never went.
  35. How do you manage stress? mmmm ranting at Him. if not rock music helps.
  36. What do you do to relax? Paint.
  37. Age when you were first kissed? 17
  38. Place you were first kissed? Bugis Junction. Don’t ask. It was weird.
  39. Favourite fashion trend of all time? Hoodies. Love my hoodies.
  40. Best fashion advice you’ve ever received? Loose top, tight bottoms and vice versa – courtesy of my actual lil sis.
  41. Trend you would like to see disappear forever? 8-11 hour workdays. or working when office isnt open. -.-
  42. Shoes or Bags? Bags.
  43. How do you know if you’re in love? Being able to see myself marrying him?
  44. Television show you’ve binged on recently? Young Sheldon
  45. Who do you turn to when you’re sad? J and God.
  46. Name one thing you’ve learned the hard way? Screw the world, care about pleasing God
  47. If you could make a documentary about anything what would it be? How to get out of a abusive relationship 101
  48. What is your kryptonite? Nah. Not telling.
  49. What are you most enchanted by? Autumn
  50. What is your biggest strength? God
  51. What is your biggest weakness? my need for approval from the wrong sources
  52. What are 3 words to describe living in Singapore? Humid, Under-happy, Cramped
  53. Cutest thing on planet earth? Kittens!
  54. Most important advice you’d give your future children? Never give up on yourself because He died for you.
  55. Best first date idea? Eating ice cream
  56. Favourite type of flower? Blue roses
  57. What do you first notice about someone when you meet them? Easy to read or tough nut to crack.
  58. What’s your guilty pleasure? Sleep.
  59. Plans for the weekend? Volunteering at a charity with the lifegroup.